Saturday, January 16, 2010

Life right now

is hard. I am trying to focus on the joys of being pregnant - the opportunity to carry a child while so many struggle; the communion with my animal spirit as I experience something so primal; and the embracing of my female self as my womb grows and I watch the changes in my body.

Yet my focus seems to return to the negative. I can't go to Key Largo because I'm saving my leave time... I'll likely miss the wedding of a dear, dear friend because it's too far away, to close to my due date... I can't unwind from a series of rough days with a glass of wine or four... I'm tired from waking up to pee, to comfort my 3 year old, to think about this and that and the other...

I feel like being pregnant should entitle you to more: You should get more vacations! Bigger bottles of wine! To sleep for 10 hours each night! Hey, why not throw in double the pay check!?

I'm 17 weeks and my belly is about the size of a vollyball - bigger than 17 weeks with Sophie - and this pregnancy is harder. No doubt it has something to do with chasing a 3 year old around, but it's also affecting my body differently. I'm growing so quickly and have had shortness of breath, sore muscles, and oh the exhaustion! Second trimester has been more difficult than the first, which I was not expecting.

I'm overdue on letters, phone calls, library books, and I know there are a few unpaid bills laying around the house.

I'm generous when I say my eating habits are fair, as I just polished off leftover fettuccini alfredo from Applebees, and my breakfast is usually a granola bar as I run out the door.

I stare at my clothes, blinking repeatedly, hoping that another pair of pants will magically appear since I wore my only two pairs already this week... and the week before... and the week before...

And while I suffer from complete denial in most things (my garden, the fact that it's January and not March) I am completely aware that adding another child to my life will be at least twice as hard. I try to think of ways to keep Sophie feeling special and loved and the light of my life, but don't know how much time or energy I'll be able to put into this early on, and I fear I will let myself down.

And speaking of light of my life... I should say lights.

Roy has been wonderful, allowing me lazy Sundays on the couch with tea and Harry Potter, fixing dinner and baking cupcakes with Sophie.

Sophie has taken to using words like "appropriate" and "hexagon" and singing songs like "twinkle twinkle little underwear" and talking about what she loves. "I LOVE Blueberry Muffins!" "I LOVE cartoons!" "I LOVE dresses and skirts!"

***

I actually wrote this post yesterday over my lunch break. And it's all still true, but a good night's sleep and an impending 3 day weekend has brightened my mood - not to mention the fact that it's supposed to be nearly 50 degrees and we have plans to spend the afternoon at the park.

I had a short but wonderful conversation with a dear, old friend last night. He has known me since I was probably 4 years old and our relationship blossomed as I grew up. I lived communally with he and his wife, and he has played a very important role in my thinking. When I told him I was pregnant he got very quiet and said, "AM, you have brought me to tears." He went on to say that while that he never had kids, he gets very emotional when he hears about the people he loves having babies. "Our world can handle it" he said to me. "We just need to take care of her."

He's right. And I can handle it, too.

10 comments:

kristin said...

oh, dear you.

this sounds familiar.

i'm so glad for the people who are surrounding you, even by phone.

kclblogs said...

this is a beautiful post, AM. i worked through my first pregnancy, and knowing what that was like, i canNOT imagine working through a second, with a little one to tend to.

about giving sophie enough, just remember, you are giving her a gift of a lifetime. someone who will know her maybe better than anyone else in the world and will walk by her side possibly for the rest of her days. it's hard to understand how we have enough love, but it just grows somehow. there are times when i wish i had more for each of my kids, but i have to keep in mind what they are getting from each other too.

love to you. . .

Rae said...

My second pregnancy was harder than the first -- working long hours, running after a 4 year old, getting large so quickly, having just moved into a new house, trying to balance everything....

Now it seems so long ago, and I wish I had enjoyed it more. Yes, I'm still struggling to balance everything, but amazingly the kids have turned out to be well adjusted and loved.

Our kids do well in spite of us. AND because of us. They learn we're human. And we teach them the ups and downs. It all comes back to love. It's the glue that holds it all together. And I know you have the love to give. And to receive.

With love -- always. Thinking of you.
R

Jennifer Chappell Deckert said...

you can, and you will....one step at a time. It is amazing what we are capable of...those first years are very hard, but it is all worth it in the end!

beinmyOWNself said...

Oh, my sweet banana! I *hate* to hear that this pregnancy is being rough on you. Just remember that not only are you loved, you ARE love. You are a wonderful mother, and you will be a wonderful mom whether you have one or twelve! Next time you see/talk to your doc, ask if melatonin is ok during pregnancy...it's a homeopathic calmer downer in low doses/sleep aid in higher doses (read as: substitute for that nice glass of wine on the 3rd tough day in a row, but I have NO clue if it's safe during pregnancy) I love love love love LOVE you so much, and you know that no matter how hard it gets, you have a STRONG community of ridiculously strong and wise women around you to call on for help/support/venting....and you're very lucky that you've got a strong supportive man as your partner! ****Go get a massage!**** ( if you weren't 10 hours away from me, I'd (wo)manhandle you onto my table and rub you into a pile of goo! Let me know if there's ANYTHING I can do for you, and call me anytime you want....24/7/365! I LOVE you.....you're the bestest banana anywhere, and I wish I could see your volleyball!

AnnaMarie said...

Thank you, my strong women, mothers, inspiration, friends. Thank you.

I needed these words.

Claire said...

You can do it! You can TOTALLY get through this! AND, Sophie will be old enough to KNOW that the baby will need you for certain times and she can the The Big Sister.

Rachel said...

oh my yes

I second everything that all these women already said so eloquently

and I add my love, too

Anonymous said...

All of this resonated with me. My second pregnancy was much harder than my first. Caring for a 2-year-old, working full time, my body being old(er), etc. Plus, I felt a little guilty for not being able to savor every moment of that pregnancy - my last ever!! At the end I was so physically miserable and so sad for my little only-child son. And then...
...Mabel was born...
...and it was wonderful. I have fond memories of the pregnancy, I am so in love with both of my children and there are new challenges in life to think about. It's all good. And there is grace.

Jenn-Jenn, the Mother Hen said...

Hey, you haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd drop a line to see how you are doing. I miss reading your words, but I can completely understand how blogging is last on your list of priorities right now! Hang in there, and know that - even if I haven't ever met you in person - I'm thinking of you of hope you are all doing well.