I'd be willing to say that the vast majority of my readers didn't know me when. Didn't know me when I was shaving my head and wearing my dad's jeans... when I was dying my hair purple and had a profound dislike of most people... or even before that, when I was just questioning everything and generally feeling sorry for my early-teen self.
It was that time in my life - 13, 14 years old - that I knew exactly where the copy of Catcher in the Rye was located in the school library.
During particularly lousy days, dealing with phonies and people who just didn't get it, I would go into the Library, grab the book, open it to any page and read. And Holden Caulfield... I loved Holden Caulfield.
Eventually I grew up. I reread the book recently and (thankfully) it just didn't resonate with me. But I could see why it did. I could see a glimmer of my awkward, self doubting self.
RIP, JD Salinger. I promise I won't put flowers on your grave.
Sharing a little bit of me with a little bit of you
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Life right now
is hard. I am trying to focus on the joys of being pregnant - the opportunity to carry a child while so many struggle; the communion with my animal spirit as I experience something so primal; and the embracing of my female self as my womb grows and I watch the changes in my body.
Yet my focus seems to return to the negative. I can't go to Key Largo because I'm saving my leave time... I'll likely miss the wedding of a dear, dear friend because it's too far away, to close to my due date... I can't unwind from a series of rough days with a glass of wine or four... I'm tired from waking up to pee, to comfort my 3 year old, to think about this and that and the other...
I feel like being pregnant should entitle you to more: You should get more vacations! Bigger bottles of wine! To sleep for 10 hours each night! Hey, why not throw in double the pay check!?
I'm 17 weeks and my belly is about the size of a vollyball - bigger than 17 weeks with Sophie - and this pregnancy is harder. No doubt it has something to do with chasing a 3 year old around, but it's also affecting my body differently. I'm growing so quickly and have had shortness of breath, sore muscles, and oh the exhaustion! Second trimester has been more difficult than the first, which I was not expecting.
I'm overdue on letters, phone calls, library books, and I know there are a few unpaid bills laying around the house.
I'm generous when I say my eating habits are fair, as I just polished off leftover fettuccini alfredo from Applebees, and my breakfast is usually a granola bar as I run out the door.
I stare at my clothes, blinking repeatedly, hoping that another pair of pants will magically appear since I wore my only two pairs already this week... and the week before... and the week before...
And while I suffer from complete denial in most things (my garden, the fact that it's January and not March) I am completely aware that adding another child to my life will be at least twice as hard. I try to think of ways to keep Sophie feeling special and loved and the light of my life, but don't know how much time or energy I'll be able to put into this early on, and I fear I will let myself down.
And speaking of light of my life... I should say lights.
Roy has been wonderful, allowing me lazy Sundays on the couch with tea and Harry Potter, fixing dinner and baking cupcakes with Sophie.
Sophie has taken to using words like "appropriate" and "hexagon" and singing songs like "twinkle twinkle little underwear" and talking about what she loves. "I LOVE Blueberry Muffins!" "I LOVE cartoons!" "I LOVE dresses and skirts!"
***
I actually wrote this post yesterday over my lunch break. And it's all still true, but a good night's sleep and an impending 3 day weekend has brightened my mood - not to mention the fact that it's supposed to be nearly 50 degrees and we have plans to spend the afternoon at the park.
I had a short but wonderful conversation with a dear, old friend last night. He has known me since I was probably 4 years old and our relationship blossomed as I grew up. I lived communally with he and his wife, and he has played a very important role in my thinking. When I told him I was pregnant he got very quiet and said, "AM, you have brought me to tears." He went on to say that while that he never had kids, he gets very emotional when he hears about the people he loves having babies. "Our world can handle it" he said to me. "We just need to take care of her."
He's right. And I can handle it, too.
Yet my focus seems to return to the negative. I can't go to Key Largo because I'm saving my leave time... I'll likely miss the wedding of a dear, dear friend because it's too far away, to close to my due date... I can't unwind from a series of rough days with a glass of wine or four... I'm tired from waking up to pee, to comfort my 3 year old, to think about this and that and the other...
I feel like being pregnant should entitle you to more: You should get more vacations! Bigger bottles of wine! To sleep for 10 hours each night! Hey, why not throw in double the pay check!?
I'm 17 weeks and my belly is about the size of a vollyball - bigger than 17 weeks with Sophie - and this pregnancy is harder. No doubt it has something to do with chasing a 3 year old around, but it's also affecting my body differently. I'm growing so quickly and have had shortness of breath, sore muscles, and oh the exhaustion! Second trimester has been more difficult than the first, which I was not expecting.
I'm overdue on letters, phone calls, library books, and I know there are a few unpaid bills laying around the house.
I'm generous when I say my eating habits are fair, as I just polished off leftover fettuccini alfredo from Applebees, and my breakfast is usually a granola bar as I run out the door.
I stare at my clothes, blinking repeatedly, hoping that another pair of pants will magically appear since I wore my only two pairs already this week... and the week before... and the week before...
And while I suffer from complete denial in most things (my garden, the fact that it's January and not March) I am completely aware that adding another child to my life will be at least twice as hard. I try to think of ways to keep Sophie feeling special and loved and the light of my life, but don't know how much time or energy I'll be able to put into this early on, and I fear I will let myself down.
And speaking of light of my life... I should say lights.
Roy has been wonderful, allowing me lazy Sundays on the couch with tea and Harry Potter, fixing dinner and baking cupcakes with Sophie.
Sophie has taken to using words like "appropriate" and "hexagon" and singing songs like "twinkle twinkle little underwear" and talking about what she loves. "I LOVE Blueberry Muffins!" "I LOVE cartoons!" "I LOVE dresses and skirts!"
***
I actually wrote this post yesterday over my lunch break. And it's all still true, but a good night's sleep and an impending 3 day weekend has brightened my mood - not to mention the fact that it's supposed to be nearly 50 degrees and we have plans to spend the afternoon at the park.
I had a short but wonderful conversation with a dear, old friend last night. He has known me since I was probably 4 years old and our relationship blossomed as I grew up. I lived communally with he and his wife, and he has played a very important role in my thinking. When I told him I was pregnant he got very quiet and said, "AM, you have brought me to tears." He went on to say that while that he never had kids, he gets very emotional when he hears about the people he loves having babies. "Our world can handle it" he said to me. "We just need to take care of her."
He's right. And I can handle it, too.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Christmas and Snow
I was finally able to sit down and look at the too few pictures I got of our trip home for Christmas. It was a wonderful visit.
We got lots of snow in South Dakota (see above)
And we got lots of snow, for Kentucky (see below)
Sophie had a snow day. I went to work for a while and she and Roy made a long-awaited snow man. Whom Sophie decided needed a mouth.
And there was a flash mob snowball fight in Centerpointe/hole across from the Library, the highlight of my work day.
It's continuing to snow and it really is beautiful. I know it can't compare to our friends and family up north, but the 2-3 inches on the ground is quite a bit of snow for this area. And makes for a cozy, cozy Saturday morning.
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| From am's picasa |
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| From am's picasa |
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| From am's picasa |
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| From am's picasa |
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| From am's picasa |
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| From am's picasa |
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| From am's picasa |
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| From am's picasa |
We got lots of snow in South Dakota (see above)
And we got lots of snow, for Kentucky (see below)
 |
| From am's picasa |
Sophie had a snow day. I went to work for a while and she and Roy made a long-awaited snow man. Whom Sophie decided needed a mouth.
 |
| From am's picasa |
And there was a flash mob snowball fight in Centerpointe/hole across from the Library, the highlight of my work day.
 |
| From am's picasa |
It's continuing to snow and it really is beautiful. I know it can't compare to our friends and family up north, but the 2-3 inches on the ground is quite a bit of snow for this area. And makes for a cozy, cozy Saturday morning.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Twenty Ten
So the popular thing this time of year is to do a year in review. And for good reason. Reflection is growth. Is healthy. Is comforting, especially for someone like me who tends to enjoy looking back. (often more than looking present.)
But for some reason, reflection is not coming easy this year. It was professionally difficult and personally rewarding. We all grew in different ways - Sophie by leaps and bounds as only a 2 to 3 year old can - Riley developed into an opinionated and exploratory 11 year old - Roy grew, I think, in a personal way - and I in my belly as new life forms in such a primal, animal way.
I think part of the reason I'm finding it hard to think about 2009 is because so much is planned for 2010. Sophie will grow in ways that only a 3 to 4 year old will. Riley will grow as he transitions to another school, more hobbies, and more into his own self. Roy too will continue his personal growth, and the child in my belly will, with blessings on this life, join our family half way through.
Our house will see renovation.
My now sunny back yard will turn into a home for sustenance. (though I'm in complete denial about pregnancy-and-newborn-gardening.)
And it's with sincere hope that those I love who found struggle in 2009 find their peace in 2010.
But for some reason, reflection is not coming easy this year. It was professionally difficult and personally rewarding. We all grew in different ways - Sophie by leaps and bounds as only a 2 to 3 year old can - Riley developed into an opinionated and exploratory 11 year old - Roy grew, I think, in a personal way - and I in my belly as new life forms in such a primal, animal way.
I think part of the reason I'm finding it hard to think about 2009 is because so much is planned for 2010. Sophie will grow in ways that only a 3 to 4 year old will. Riley will grow as he transitions to another school, more hobbies, and more into his own self. Roy too will continue his personal growth, and the child in my belly will, with blessings on this life, join our family half way through.
Our house will see renovation.
My now sunny back yard will turn into a home for sustenance. (though I'm in complete denial about pregnancy-and-newborn-gardening.)
And it's with sincere hope that those I love who found struggle in 2009 find their peace in 2010.
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