I think we all have a time in our lives that we are not proud of; a time we wish we could do over again, make things right. I remember this time, now nearly 10 years old. It would keep me up at night, filled with regret for friendships squandered, feelings hurt, connections lost.
Over the past 12 months, I have regained contact with a wide range of people who were important fixtures in my life during this time. I feel almost as though the gods have rewarded my efforts to be a better person by bringing these people back in to my life, allowing me to forgive myself for my mistakes. It was as though the planets were aligned just so.
I can only be thankful and amazed at this life.
I feel released from this burden, as if I've been given a second chance. It feels the same as when I danced the Mennonite right out of me; felt it leave through the bottoms of my feet and in to the floor of The Dame where it was spread evenly through the floor to get drunk on the spilled drinks of the locals.
Even though I would do things differently, that time shaped my life to be what it is now. It was during this time that I met my husband and made decision to drop out of school and join the Catholic Worker. These connections have affected my life in such a positive way. Who knows where my path would've let me had I stayed where I was?
I don't think we can ever become complacent or think that we have reached some height of goodness that allows us to stop trying to be better people. We will always stand at a crossroads. But at this day, this time, I feel lighter. And my happiness is deep.
4 comments:
however you got here, i'm certainly glad you've arrived. and arrived, you have -- for sure. i'm proud of who you are.
You don't know what that means to me. Thank you, dearest.
while i don't know that time of your life, i can relate to trusting and experiencing that good and growth do come from all of life...all of it.
I am so glad that you reached this place. I too have finally gotten there myself, I felt it this weekend as I was so relaxed in the mountains. I feel so blessed to have gotten to this point in my life and I am so happy to have found you along my journey. :)
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