Anger Management

I am not used to feeling angry. Oh sure, now and again I lose my cool, but it subsides and I move on with my day. Lately however, I've been struggling with a situation that has left me wanting to say mean, nasty things, cuss, and throw rude hand gestures. Heaven help me, this isn't who I want to be.

When I realized that I wasn't able to fully control this emotion, I decided to take advantage of the Employee Assistance Program at work and went to talk to a therapist about how to work through my anger.

I have always been a proponent of therapy but have never actually participated in a session myself. I was nervous (what do you say?) and a little shy (should I lay down on the couch like they do on tv? I didn't.) and honestly, part of what I was feeling (superiority, righteous indignation) felt GOOD. Did I really want to let it go?

Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

So a couple of weeks ago I went for my first session with Curtis. He asked what was going on and I told him everything; hand gestures (not rude) and a few tears... and oh, it felt so good. "You're very in touch with your emotions", he said. Indeed! He also told me, in typical therapist fashion, that being angry is OK. That if I didn't feel anger I wouldn't be human. And that if I wasn't angry at the situation, we would have a much longer session.

We only had two sessions, and it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. At the end of our second session, Curtis told me about a man who attends one of his AA groups. This man struggles with serious anger issues directed toward another person and he recently decided to pray for the person every day.

This caused me to take a step back. Yes. Pray. I don't want anything bad to happen to the person. I want them to be better. To heal from any hurt they too are dealing with. I can control what I do for this person. Pray. I will pray.

Here's what else I learned.

There is a difference between being confrontational and being assertive.

The obvious: I have to let go. Most of the situation is out of my control, so dwelling on it does no good. Anger only hurts me. Let.it.go. He also forced me to focus on what IS in my control and the role that I play in the situation. That brought me back to reality.

Jesus Christ was a great peacemaker; an advocate for peace and justice who fought against injustice. And Jesus Christ got MAD. He overturned tables in the temple and cast out the money changers. He worked tirelessly for peace because he was so upset by injustice. If it was ok for Jesus to get angry, I guess it's ok for me to be angry, too. I just can't let it control me or turn me into someone I'm not.

(I apologize for the cryptic tone of this post. I don't want to talk about the situation so much as the feelings of anger and how I'm working through them. Just know that it's not anything to do with my amazing family, all of whom I love more every day. They show me, and make me feel the love, that almost completely eclipses the anger.)

3 months

I can't believe that three months ago tomorrow, my little man sprinted to the finish to join our beautiful family.

I have been back at work since Sept. 1 and I've stopped asking "how was he?" when I pick him up from daycare. His adjustment has been a little rocky, but that's the way it is. I'm grateful he gets 2 days a week at home with his dad.

Miller has a wonderful personality and everyone who meets him comments on his eyes - they are so wide and full of curiosity. He just stares at everything around him.

This appears to be his new favorite spot: planted directly in front of the open door. He loves his bumbo and I have no doubt that he will be a mover.

Oh our little man... what a blessing. I never knew my heart could hold so much love.

Weekend

This has been a good weekend. There have been good times with brothers

big

and small

and leftover birthday cupcakes from Caramanda's Bakery.

We worked on Saturday, heading out to Terrapin Hill to check out this local hippie festival near Harrodsburg. Woe is us, having to visit other festivals to get ideas, network, and see how other folks do things.

Terrapin is held at Terrapin Hill Farm, which is beautiful and wooded and there were some really cool things about the way they did things - many which wouldn't work for our Festival of the Bluegrass, but things we still enjoyed.

Riley decided to roll down a giant hill

and then I tried to take a picture of he and Sophie when he announced he was covered in chiggers. Picture fail.

One of the best things about Terrapin are the activities for kids including a tent where they made Sophie two ribbons for her pigtails and a full on playground with old school slides, swing sets, and even the long-removed merry-g0-round.
And then... then it rained and thundered and lighteninged and all around us hippies were securing their tents and chasing after tapestries that had blown down and yelling "WHOOOOOO!!!!" after each loud clap of thunder. Roy almost fell down a muddy hill - with Miller in his arms - and we just kept going while the wind grew cold and blew at our backs until we got to the car completely drenched and hoped we could get out through the mud.
It was awesome.

Birthday, part 2

My dear Sophie,

Today is your 4th birthday. Last night you and I sat on the couch and I told you about the night you were born. That was the first time I had ever done that and you were overjoyed to hear the telling. You were so glad to hear that you cried when you were born, exclaiming "Just like Miller!" and you nursed, "Just like Miller!" and you grew inside my belly and were born on a full moon, "Just like Miller!"

There is no doubt that your little brother has been the biggest change in your life this past year, and you have handled the growth in our family with the grace I have come to expect from you.
You continue to be the sweet and sensitive little girl that I have always known you to be. A stern "get back to bed" leaves you in tears and your fear of spiders and other bugs has been very apparent this summer. Still, you are keen to let them - well, let ME let them - out doors and not kill or hurt them in any way. You have also developed quite an interest in the macabre - Coraline, scary stories and movies, and zombies. This is so much like your father and I love to see so much of him in you.

You are incredibly silly and if you get a laugh, you stick on that subject ad nauseam to try to get more. You are always making up songs and dreams and dancing through the living room. And not a day goes by without a spontaneous "I love you" or, "You're a good mommy, mommy".

You love to be snuggled and kissed and wrapped tightly in your soft, green blanket. You love your routines of Orange Juice and cartoons in the morning and goodnight of book and back scratches. We have evolved to longer, chapter books and books of short stories that take longer and longer to read each night. It's not unusual for you to stop us in the middle of the story because you just want to go to sleep. You are so aware of who you are.

You are not perfect. You try my patience. You would rather me or your dad give you bites of food rather than feed yourself, which is incredibly frustrating. You hate having your hair washed and brushed and generally fussed over, which often makes for difficult mornings and bath times. You hate picking up your toys and honestly, the whining has gotten a little out of hand. You pick your nose. You refuse to eat dinner. You can be painfully blunt and honest and hurt other children's feelings.
You will continue to learn about kindness and tact. And because you are so mature in so many ways, sometimes I forget that you are only 4 years old. A mere 1,460 days.

My darling little girl, who is beautiful and ornery and difficult and imaginative and amazing. Happy birthday. I can't wait to watch you grow as you begin your 5th rotation around the sun.

Birthday, part 1

On Wednesday, my little girl turns 4. Today I put her name in for consideration at one of the two magnet schools here in Lexington and got the date/time for "parent meetings" at both. I can't believe that I'm already researching kindergarten. Heck, sometimes I still can't believe I'm a mom!

But I digress... Saturday we went to Kids Place for her birthday party. Sophie's cake was, in her mind, perfect. If you ask her favorite color, she replies, "pink, purple, and princesses." I think we covered our bases.
Traditionally our birthdays have been only family, but this year in addition to the regular crew, we invited her best friend from school, Linney. It was pure joy to watch the two of them play together, and I really enjoyed getting to know Linney's mom a little bit better. Despite the Spanish/English language barrier, we communicated well enough to have some laughs and to make plans to get our girls together again.


Even "Uncle" Josh made an appearance, much to Sophie's delight, and he and Roy tried to help Linney and Sophie navigate the dancing game in the arcade. The blind leading the blind if you ask me.
Tonight Sophie asked if we could watch a scary movie and eat popcorn. She is her father's daughter in so many ways... but more on that later. Every day, my little girl gets less and less little. And more and more awesome.

Happy almost birthday, my sweet.