Wednesday, March 10, 2010

a short cryptic post about strengths and weaknesses

Someone once told me that strengths and weaknesses are not on opposing ends, but right next to each other - find your strength and right on the other side begin your weaknesses.

I'm not always successful in my quest to be kind, but I really try. I lose my cool, I get frustrated, sometimes I even yell a little bit, but overall I try to be a kind person. I see this as one of my strengths and as something in my life that I can always grow toward - like happiness, you're never "done".

But right on the other side of that is one of my weaknesses: I'm amazingly sensitive and easily hurt. I can't stand it when someone is mad at me, and will full on melt down if I feel I have done something wrong - especially if I don't know what that something is. I will lay awake at night thinking simultaneously of how I will confront the person/situation, and wrack my brain to find out what the hell happened.

Yesterday I encountered two unfortunate situations that prey heavily on this weakness. In true form, I cried as soon as I was able to find some privacy and lay awake from 2-4am, replaying the interactions in my head. Today, I feel bruised and emotionally drained; as though a part of me was in a boxing match and is just beginning to heal.

This is a familiar but thankfully rare feeling.

I am now on a journey: to move forward on my quest to be kind without internalizing other people's behavior. I can accept the consequences of my actions - I find apologies to be all at once tormenting and a release. But I must find strength in my strength, as it were, and lend a bit of kindness to myself.

1 comment:

kclblogs said...

I'm sorry you are agonizing over it, AM. You are a wonderfully kind person. I know it, even if I've never heard you lose your temper.