coming full circle to forgiveness

I think we all have a time in our lives that we are not proud of; a time we wish we could do over again, make things right. I remember this time, now nearly 10 years old. It would keep me up at night, filled with regret for friendships squandered, feelings hurt, connections lost.

Over the past 12 months, I have regained contact with a wide range of people who were important fixtures in my life during this time. I feel almost as though the gods have rewarded my efforts to be a better person by bringing these people back in to my life, allowing me to forgive myself for my mistakes. It was as though the planets were aligned just so.

I can only be thankful and amazed at this life.

I feel released from this burden, as if I've been given a second chance. It feels the same as when I danced the Mennonite right out of me; felt it leave through the bottoms of my feet and in to the floor of The Dame where it was spread evenly through the floor to get drunk on the spilled drinks of the locals.

Even though I would do things differently, that time shaped my life to be what it is now. It was during this time that I met my husband and made decision to drop out of school and join the Catholic Worker. These connections have affected my life in such a positive way. Who knows where my path would've let me had I stayed where I was?

I don't think we can ever become complacent or think that we have reached some height of goodness that allows us to stop trying to be better people. We will always stand at a crossroads. But at this day, this time, I feel lighter. And my happiness is deep.

While the north has been drenched in rain, Kentucky is listed in a Severe Drought. Even I feel parched. I don't think there is a more beautiful sight - a more holy site - than rain after weeks of energy-draining heat. Even the grasses and trees rejoice in thanks.
Thursday is my day off from work so I get to do things I love. Like sing and play.
and feed Sophie mashed potatoes. (If anyone is curious about how those potatoes ended up around her nostril, she has recently learned to fine art of nose picking.)
And I can finally go through the pictures of Sophie and Riley.
This afternoon Sophie and I (and Roy, hopefully!) are going to meet our friend Bret at Evan's Orchard to enjoy the summer bounty, the cooler temps, and the plants, animals, and humans celebrating the 2" we got overnight and this morning.

no plastic bags!

So yesterday I ordered these bags here on my left from Lehman's. I am on the rampage to RID MY LIFE of plastic bags that take 1,000 years to decompose.

I'm going to let that sink in for a minute.


1,000 years.

So check out these beauties! $12 for 2! I LOVE places that make it cheap and easy to be green! They weigh 1/2 pound each and carry up to 40 lbs! And look at how beautifully they fit in the cart! I am so excited I can hardly stand myself right now. They will live in the back of my car so I will never be left trying to juggle 8 jars of baby food, a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a chicken in my two hands.

nice moments

1. It's been a while since we took Riley to the Farmer's Market. Usually I go before everyone is up, but lately I've wanted to make it a family affair. We returned home Saturday after spending our hard earned money on the bounty of fresh goodness that arrives downtown every week and I asked Riley (bedecked in balloon weaponry) what he thought of the Market. "Great," he replied. GREAT!? This from the 9 year old that only eats chicken if it's a nugget??? Step-mom, remember this moment the next time he rejects your fresh cooking for Little Ceasers.

2. Sunday was our friend Jeff's 30th birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FISHER!!), We dropped off the kids with their aunt and uncle and, for the first time since Sophie was born, went to spend time with our friends sans little ones. We had a wonderful time celebrating. I rocked out on Guitar Hero, caught up with my dear, dear friends, and laughed... we always laugh. The pickup time was fast approaching and Roy said to me, "Do you want to stay and I'll go pick them up?" How can a mom turn that one down? YES! So he left, I opened another beer and joined the boys for a game of Cornhole. When Josh asked where Roy was I told him and he said, "You know what? You deserve this." Yes, Josh! Yes I do!

3. Three words: BEST! SLEEP! EVER!

4. Friday night I had just finished giving Sophie a bath and was putting her PJ's on her. Riley was sitting in the recliner in her room and we were talking about things. I told him that just this week she started standing up in her crib. He wanted to see how she did it so we layed her down and she was smiling and laughing at her big brother. He said, "Do you want out of there, Sophie?" and he reached in and picked her up and carried her in to the living room. This might seem like nothing, but he has never done this before. He plays with her and he's AMAZING, but he's never just scooped her up and gone off. This was a beautiful moment for me and it was evidence of what a strong and important presence he'll be in her life.

5. Sunday we saw Barack Obama at the Lexington Center. He was awesome and I feel now that I can officially support him for president. We need someone with hope, who can heal our country after the last 7 years of Bush. Who will reinstate Habeas Corpus and close Guantanamo. I worry that he won't get the nomination and that our country is doomed to another term of devisiveness brought to us courtesy of either the republicans or Hillary Clinton, whom I think would bring out that dividing line so prevalent in our already tortured America.

This weekend - this life - is full of beautiful moments. These are just 5 that I wanted to share.

my first tag

My dear cousin, Katie, tagged me on her blog. The task is to list 10 things that I like about myself. In some ways it sounds very vain to my already proud, Leo ears. I consider myself to be in the AA version of pridefulness - Pride Anonymous let's call it. I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. That being said, I think it's SO important to be able to find things within you that you love. How else can you love everyone else? There's a song by Regina Spektor that sums it up for me. I like to sing it at the top of my lungs. One of the verses goes like this:

"..this is how it works. You reach inside yourself. You take the things you like and try to love the things to you took. And then you take that love you make and stick it in to some, someone's else's heart pumping someone else's blood and walking arm in arm you hope it won't get harmed and even if it does you just do it all again."

What I like about me...
1. I have a warm, inviting home.
2. I am good at (and love) my job.
3. People come to me for advice and feel like they can talk to me.
4. I am a good cook.
5. I take responsibility for my actions.
6. I try to think for myself.
7. I love being a wife and mother.
8. I am not afraid to be silly.
9. I try to fill every day with passion for life and embrace each moment.
10. I love to love.

Okay, so I now tag Roy, Jeremy, and Melissa. Ready or not...

Why I Hate Wal-Mart

My name is AnnaMarie and I shop at Wal-Mart. Not often - maybe once every 2 or 3 months - but the convenient location is sometimes too tempting and they have EVERYTHING, even in the middle of the night. But you know what? I hate that place. And it's not for the reasons everyone cites.I hate that every time I go there, I leave in a bad mood because the lines are long, the customers are rude, and the machines don't work. They con their customers into thinking they have low prices, but nearly everything is cheaper at Kroger. And (now this is really terrible) I have completely lost patience for the morbidly obese people in the electric carts that drive through the aisles filling their baskets with junk food. It just ticks me off.

Of course, it bothers me to no end that they are responsible for so many mom and pop stores going out of business. It bothers me that they don't offer affordable health care to their employees and that their labor practices are shameful. But I am conflicted. Is Wal-Mart worse than the Dollar General that moved to my home town and will invariable affect the business community there? And Target! I love Target and I know loads people who will shop there and not Wal-Mart. But is Target much better? I know that 100% of their political contributions support the Republican party and you know how THAT makes me feel!

So what's a girl to do? I noticed something last night when I was buying dog food and notebooks from the concrete fortress, as my husband so lovingly calls Wal-Mart. The woman who was helping me checkout was disabled, and so were 3 other employees that I saw working there just in that trip. She was happy. She was helpful. I love seeing that and I never see that at Target. Damn liberal guilt.

Good Dog, Wendy. Good Dog.

what a girl

Sophie's been standing more and more these days, though she has yet to let go. I love this picture of her. Wide eyed and curious. She looks like this a lot.

and so it begins

So on Monday I began my 29th year. I feel older when I say it that way which, if I were beginning my 17th year, would suit me fine. Pushing 30 doesn't scare me. I don't feel old. In fact, I hope to remain perpetually 19, although most of my priorities have changed. In a lot of ways, 19 year old AnnaMarie would give me a real talking to, mostly regarding conformity and my lack of political involvement. Still, what is most evident to me is the way I chose to spend my birthday. My dear friends kept asking me when we were going out for drinks, how we were going to celebrate, and all that jazz. Finally, one wise person asked me, "AnnaMarie, what do YOU want to do on your birthday?" I finally admitted to them - and myself - that I didn't want to do a damn thing. And you know what? I didn't.

I left work an hour early (a direct order from my boss) and went to the grocery store to buy a gallon of milk, bubble bath, a magazine, and nail polish. I walked to Sophie's daycare with her stroller and strolled her home. I cooked my favorite meal of chicken and caramelized onions with rice and fresh Shelby County corn from the cob cooked in butter. I opened a Grolsch. I sat on the front porch for almost an hour and talked to my mom. I picked up Sophie and she nursed and went to sleep without a peep. I drew a bath. Poured in the bubble bath. Grabbed the magazine and a nail clipper. Read and gave myself a little pedicure. Got out. Put on my bath robe. Went to the living room and vegged in front of the TV and painted my toenails a very pretty shade of light pink. I never paint my nails. They always look too fancy. But I only celebrate my birthday once a year. My toes deserve to look fancy. By 10:00 I was in bed reading a great book by Kentucky author Silas House. I could've been at a bar, at a restaurant, at a club, or anywhere. But I was in bed, my baby was sleeping, and my husband was next to me. What a wonderful celebration!

Farmers' Market Casserole

One of my favorite cookbooks was given to me by my mom's cousin, Bobbie, as a wedding gift 5 years ago. With it's stains, burns, and broken binding, it looks much older than 5 years. I love cookbooks and read them like novels. Hollyhocks and Radishes is so wonderful for that. Each section is accompanied by a letter from Judy Chard, who ran a vegetable stand in the Les Cheneaux Islands. This is where we went on our honeymoon and I'll never forget reading it cover to cover on the way through Wisconsin the day after our wedding.

Furthermore, pink post-it notes litter the Chappell's favorite recipes. They say things like, "Yum yum. For Cindy when Wendy was stuck in Canada in a terrible snow storm" (Mother Ratliff's Brunswick Stew) and "Wendy made this for Grossmama and Kate (Where was I !?!) Jan. 94. 'Very good with rice,' she says" (Hunters' Stew with Apple Cider)

The recipe I made last night didn't have a post-it note, but I think I'll add one of my own. Maybe it will say, "Delicious!! Our 5th anniversary weekend, Sophie's first zucchini"

2 Large Potatoes, thinly sliced
1 large onion
2 medium zucchini, cut in small chunks
4 tomatoes, cut in small chunks
2 carrots, thinly sliced
Thyme and marjoram to taste
salt and freshly ground pepper
3/4 c. dry white wine
2-3 T butter
1 c. small, fresh bread cubes
2 c. grated sharp cheddar cheese

Prehead oven to 375.

In an ungreased, shallow 8x11-inch casserole, layer vegetables in order given, seasoning each layer with sprinklings of thyme and marjoram, salt and pepper to taste.

Pour wine over all. Cover and bake 1 hour.

Melt butter in small skillet, then stir in bread cubes until they've absorbed butter. Sprinkle cheese over casserole, then buttered bread cubes. Bake, uncovered, another 15-20 minutes.

Note: The casserole may be prepared a couple hours ahead, except for last 15 to 20 minutes of baking, keeping at room temperature in the interim.

Serves 6.

I halved the recipe, knowing my co-eaters wouldn't be as thrilled with this as me. It would be easy too, I think, to make just a single serving in a lovely ceramic dish.

where we are

Yesterday Sophie turned 11 months. They all say it, but still, there's no way to prepare. Babies are babies for SUCH a short period of time. I now see pictures of babies and think, oh, he's probably about 4 months. Sophie was just 4 months. Like, yesterday. And suddenly she's big and trying to walk and talking like a fool. She knows who Wendy Dog is and I SWEAR that when she says dadeeda, she is referring to the big hairy creature who licks her and eats her cheerios.

So now we parent a nearly toddler and all new questions arise. The one that I think about most often is bottle weaning. I continue to nurse, though only at night and in the mornings. During the day she gets bottles of formula. I wish this weren't the case, but oh well. I just couldn't keep up. Anyway, my concern isn't really the bottle so much as the sucking. We've discovered that it's not the drink she wants, it's the sucking. She's just as content with a bottle of water as she is what a bottle of formula or milk. When we begin to take this comfort away from her, to where will she turn? She doesn't use a pacifier and I don't really want to start now. My poor boobs can't keep up her her demand, nor her mouth full of teeth (she has 5 now), and she has no interest in sucking her thumb. She doesn't care for the sippy cup so we're moving straight in to the regular cup, which she absolutely loves... so what's a parent to do? Of course, we're going to talk to our really wonderful pediatrician, Dr. Warner, and I know he'll have something good to say, but he's still a doctor. I have issues with doctors.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

Anyway, it's damn hot here and allergies are kicking all of us around like we're the nerdy kids who can't climb the rope in gym class. (oh wait... we are) Sophie's amazing, as always. I really enjoy watching the development of her eating habits. I think she's going to have a good pallet, this one. She's a mixer. She likes two different foods in her bowl and she needs a little bit of each on her spoon. Then she'll have a few cheerios, then more food. She likes green vegetables, but only if their fresh and cut up on her tray, not pureed. She really enjoys broccoli. I fed her banana for breakfast and she would take a bite of banana, bite of cheerios, and then chew them together. Oh, and he bites her cheerios in half before sticking them in her mouth. Darling.

freak

I have two dear friends who live in Minneapolis. Not just aquantances, but people who have touched and impacted my life in ways that I know even I don't understand. When Keith Olbermann broke in to Last Comic Standing last night to report on the bridge collapse in this large Midwestern city, I somehow knew that these people were okay, but it didn't shake the cold chill that flooded through my body, nor cease the frantic text messages and phone calls I made. How often had they driven this exchange? And my brother and sister-in-law who frequent the city - what about them? And all the other people I know who live there?

Last summer, a piece of concrete from a parking garage in downtown Lexington was hit by a truck going less than 5mph and fell on a woman - 9 months pregnant - killing her and her unborn child, instantly. The tragedy shook everyone in Lexington.

These freak accidents scare me, I think, more than anything else. How can you be prepared for something like that? And, while I most certainly believe in God, the HOW of it is immense. Did God's hand play a roll? Was it fate? Are they the same thing?

I pray for the families of those that died and those who are injured and I hold my friends and family close to my heart this day. You're always there, but today you're just a little bit closer.